befrei89's Blog

I went to 2 different hospitals today. The result is not cancer. I went to a pagoda after that, and praying. Tears kept falling down.

Hope that the medicine would work and I'll get better.

I have been suspecting that I have some kind of cancer in my body for 4 years. I do not dare to go to the doctor. There are several reasons. 1st: It's just suspecting, I have no clear evidence unless I go to the doctor to check. 2nd: I am experiencing the best time in my life. Youth and Freedom, Passion and Dreams. Everything would stop right away if I know for sure that I have cancer. School would stop, Work would stop. No more travel, no more cafe and bookshop. Nothing. 3rd: I don't want to tell my parents and other family members about this. We are having a great time together. I wish them happiness and to be care-free for all their lives. Me-having cancer would be a burden, would cause sadness and bring age to my parents. I'm worried over my younger brother. How would he react if he knows? He's such a fragile boy and I want to be there to guide him. He would be so lost without me. Many other reasons that prevent me from going to the doctor.

It's getting worse about 2 weeks ago. I have a bulge in my throat. It cause me no pain, but inconvenience. I read on a webpage about the kinds of cancer people may have in their throat. The symtoms sound pretty much like mine. I'm sick with worry and fears since then.

Today, I told my parents. I asked them if they could bring me to the hospital. I'm too scared to go alone. I feel like being a small child again, and if these coming days are the last days of my life, I would love to be their small child again, because their love and support is all I need now. I'm afraid to see other people's reaction to the news. I don't want their pity or sympathy. I just want peace. I don't want people coming, visiting, crying in front of me or my parents. I'm even not sure how I want them to react. I'm thinking of not letting people know about my disease until the last minute. But I think that's just not so important. Now all I care about is my family, and how they would collapse if I have cancer. Everything would be ruined, they would not be able to carry out their work, study as usual. It seems unfair because they are normal people, they did not harm anyone. But life is always unfair, right?

This blog will be kept for me to write about my disease, my family, my friends, and other arrangements I would make. Hope that I could have the access to the Internet frequently, even in the hospital. I wish I had enough strength to think, to write and to read.

"The moment has come, to face the truth. I'm wide awake, and so are you..."